McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.