H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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hmmm
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You’re the water to my grease fire.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4