He wanted to make sure😂
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks