I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I think this should do it.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok