*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!