the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.