Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Every time my phone rings
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow