as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
You Might Also Like
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Still my favourite meme.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Happy birthday to all the women
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
i- i did not expect this
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.