Check your privilege
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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):