I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You Might Also Like
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.