the answer was staring at me all along
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.