PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
WTF IS THAT!
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.