I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Not helping
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.