Merry Christmas
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.