Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
May have had one breakfast too many
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
March 16
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”