It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
.. do you even science?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.