if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
never forget
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.