DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Was it something I said?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*