As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Ghost costume 😂
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.