8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The Compass
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were