*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: