My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”