A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear