time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Yup
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.