Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place