GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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Solving a traffic jam
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
good work, everybody
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor