*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
my dog when i have a friend over
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.