Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
What?!?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”