I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You got this…
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.