Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Yes, but it was never about money
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
bias laundering edition
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.