You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.