women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me