why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Oh the world we live in…
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity