Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry