Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You Might Also Like
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.