Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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