I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad