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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food