I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.