“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.