Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Very good! 👍😂
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m giving up ice.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?