Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them