Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”