i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.