canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight