[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back