[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.