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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”