Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
This is me 🤣🤣
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.