If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
SPLOOT
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids